Last week was “administrative professionals week”, so my work gave me flowers and a $50 American Express card. I don’t really know what to do with flowers, so I would just pour water on it from the ol’ drinkin’ cup. I may have accidentally poured a little bit of coffee on it once. Oh well. I was going to bring it home this weekend, but I forgot.
I came here today and found my desk covered with dead flower petals. It was super intense poetic in a swooped bang/eyeshadow sort of way. I started singing a 30 Seconds to Mars song, hoping that the gorgeous melodies could bring the beautiful pile back to life, but it didn’t work. I was an idiot to even try it.
What are you supposed to do with dead flowers? Throwing them in the garbage seems like a waste. I wonder what they would look like in a toilet. What do you suppose the next person to walk in the bathroom would do if they went to sit down and saw it full of dead flowers? It could be fun to throw in some doll heads with Xed out eyes for extra awesomeness. Maybe take a sharpie to the toilet seat and write “I CREATED THIS JUST FOR YOU”. Then, write “I’LL NEVER FORGET YOUR FACE” on a note and tape it on the inside of the door to really freak out the first person to show up. Oh shit! Even better would be to take the handle off the inside of the bathroom door, so that they couldn’t get out and write another note that says “SEE YOU SOON”. By that point, you’d have to expect them to have a slight panic attack. Well, maybe not at work, since it's a comfort zone.
It would be better to do that to someone when they’re at home. I wonder what your lover would do if you did that to her. She’d probably start crying or something and then you could let her out, but have your face painted to look like a raccoon or something for some reason and look really hurt. “Happy Ballentime’s Day?” you’d say with a tear trickling down your face smearing the raccoon makeup. Then, 14 of her closest friends would slowly file into the bathroom mumbling “suurpriisse……” You would try to explain, “But Baby! I know how much you like doll heads and dead flowers and raccoon painted faces and surprises. I wanted this to be a special day!!!” “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THOSE, YOU SICK FUCK”, she’d say, but we all know the truth. This is the most special Ballentime’s day she’s ever had. She immediately begins mentally sketching an idea for a tattoo of this moment so that she’ll never forget, but she can’t let you know…….not yet, anyway. Later, when it’s just the two of you cuddling. “I’m sorry I overreacted before. I really do like doll heads and dead flowers and raccoon painted faces and surprises. I just had a lot of things going on and I snapped. Thank you. This has been the happiest Ballentime’s Day EVER!” And at that moment, you start laughing maniacally and pull out a remote control. “HAHAHAHA” you shout as you push the only button. Sirensstrobelightssmokemachinesfogmachinescottoncandyconfettistreamers!
This is the real surprise!!!
“My dear sweet lover,” you’d say, “there’s no such thing as Ballentime’s Day.”
